I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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