hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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