Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Where is the hickey?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
