When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
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