She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
zippers are such a cool invention
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
