Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
