Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
