I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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