Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
