Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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