if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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