you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
