every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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