Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
