is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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