How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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