Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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