I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
