You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
