I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
