But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
