I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
