Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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