1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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