The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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