This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
