I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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