dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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