OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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