This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
