break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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