hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
