i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
