Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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