census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
