I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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