Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
