I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
