I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
