I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
