she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
This toilet bowl is my home.
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