i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
