last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
