It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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