I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
