my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
