Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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