I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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