at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
