Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
