I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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