Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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