Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
